The Monster Detector Read online

  Hugo’s mom was behind the counter, ringing up purchases. When she saw Hugo, she smiled and waved.

  “Hugo!” she called to him over the customers’ heads. “Can you run back to the kitchen and ask Grandpa to make some more mushroom tarts? We’re all out!”

  “Sure, Mom!” Hugo called back.

  He started toward the kitchen, passing the little dining room where his sister, Winnie, was working. She was wiping down a table with a wet rag very slowly while talking to two big Sasquatch boys sitting at the next table. Her lips were an alarming shade of purple and very shiny. She had slathered them with the huckleberry lip gloss that she made herself.

  She stopped talking to the boys long enough to notice Hugo.

  “What is that ridiculous thing on your wrist?” she asked him.

  “It’s a Monster Detector,” Hugo replied.

  “A Monster Detector!? HA!” Winnie blurted out, and the big Sasquatch boys looked at each other and smirked.

  “HA, yourself! It actually works,” Hugo told her. “The bugs inside of it flap their wings and make a clicking sound whenever a monster is close by.”

  Winnie snorted. “Good thing it’s not a Weirdo Detector or it would click whenever you got near it.”

  The Sasquatch boys laughed at that, and Winnie smiled at them.

  Hugo held his wrist out toward Winnie and waved it around her head for a moment. “Well, I guess we know it’s not a Big Flirt Detector,” he said. “If it was, the bugs would be flapping so hard right now that their wings would fall off!”

  Winnie’s face turned a deep pink. She raised her arm with the dirty rag in it and chucked it at Hugo’s head. He ducked just in time, then made a quick dash for the kitchen.

  Grandpa was pouring batter into the snarfle iron. The counter was lined with plates, waiting for more snarfles to be piled on top of them.

  “Hi, Grandpa,” Hugo said. “Mom says we need more mushroom tarts.”

  “More? But I made a dozen this morning! Phew, it’s been busy today! Why don’t you handle the snarfle iron while I make more tarts?”

  “Sure!”

  Hugo loved using the snarfle iron. He could make a perfect leaf-shaped snarfle almost as well as Grandpa.

  Grandpa fired up the oven and opened the kitchen’s back door so that the room wouldn’t get too hot and smoky. Baking in a cavern could be tricky.

  While Grandpa sliced mushrooms for the tarts, Hugo poured snarfle batter onto the hot snarfle iron.

  “Grandpa,” Hugo said, “do you know anything about the Green Whistler?”

  Grandpa looked startled. “The Green Whistler! Well, well, well. I haven’t heard that name since I was a little squidge. Why do you ask?”

  “Because I think I saw it. Or at least, I saw where it lives.” Hugo described how he and Gigi found the little room at the west end of the cavern and how he had climbed to the top of the wall to peek in. “There were bones and green fur and everything.”

  Grandpa frowned. “You and Gigi shouldn’t have been wandering around the cavern like that, Hugo.”

  “I know. But Grandpa, did the Green Whistler really eat squidges?”

  There was no answer. Grandpa seemed deep in thought. Hugo repeated his question.

  “Oh, no, no,” Grandpa answered, “that was just a lot of silly talk.”

  But there was no doubt about it . . . Grandpa looked worried.

  6

  The Academy for Curious Squidges

  Before school started on Monday, all the squidges gathered around Hugo to look at his Monster Detector.

  “Doth ip erk?” asked Izzy.

  Izzy wore headgear for his overbite, so he spoke a little funny. Fortunately, Hugo almost always understood him.

  “Of course it works!” Hugo said. “In fact, it’s already found a monster.” He told them about the Green Whistler, and when they didn’t believe him, Gigi said it was all true, every word of it.

  Just then, Mrs. Nukluk entered the classroom. They all rushed over to their desks and sat down. As usual, Mrs. Nukluk was wearing her long white cloak made of goose feathers.

  “Good morning, class,” she said. “We’ve got a busy day ahead of us, and later this morning I have a big surprise for you!”

  The squidges looked at each other excitedly.

  “Maybe it’s a microscope,” Gigi whispered to Hugo.

  Hugo hoped it was something more fun than a microscope, but he didn’t say that to Gigi.

  “Does the surprise explode?” asked Malcolm.

  “No, it does not, and please raise your hand if you have something to say.”

  Malcolm raised his hand. “Are you going to pull an egg out of your nose?”

  “Why on earth would I do that, Malcolm?”

  “Because you said there was going to be a big surprise. And that would be very surprising.”

  Mrs. Nukluk took a deep breath. Deep breaths seemed to help her when she spoke to Malcolm.

  “Take out your math books, everyone. We’ll start right in on measurements—”

  At that moment a small Human boy walked into the classroom. He had thirty-eight freckles and he carried a paper bag.

  “Boone!” cried Hugo.

  You weren’t supposed to shout in class, but Hugo was so shocked to see his friend that he couldn’t help himself.

  “Is Boone the surprise, Mrs. Nukluk?” asked Pip.

  “No,” said Mrs. Nukluk, “but I must admit I am surprised. What are you doing here, Boone?”

  “I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve finally decided—” said Boone, smiling at them all. “I want to go to squidge school!”

  7

  Snuds and Stonkers

  Mrs. Nukluk looked confused.

  “Don’t you have your own school? A Human school?” she asked.

  “I’m homeschooled. But my grandmother said that if a school opened up in the North Woods, I could go to it. And now that I know about the Academy for Curious Squidges, I’ve decided I want to go.”

  “Well . . . well . . . we’ve never had a Human in our school. I’m not sure if it’s . . .” Mrs. Nukluk searched for the right word.

  “Please, Mrs. Nukluk, please let Boone join our school!” cried Hugo.

  Mrs. Nukluk was so flustered that she forgot to remind Hugo to raise his hand.

  “I know all my state capitals,” Boone said to her. “And I can spell pretty good, except I get my f’s and ph’s mixed up sometimes. Plus, I brought my own lunch.” He held up his bag.

  Mrs. Nukluk considered. “Well, I suppose you can spend the day here. After that, we’ll just have to see. There’s an empty seat next to Roderick. You can sit there for now.”

  Roderick Rattlebags’s hand shot up in the air.

  “Yes, Roderick?”

  “I refuse to sit next to a Human,” Roderick said in a puffed-up way.

  Boone had been walking happily over to Roderick’s desk, but now he stopped short. His smile disappeared.

  “Boone is just as good as any squidge!” Gigi snapped at Roderick.

  “And better than some!” Hugo added, glaring at Roderick.

  “Our school is called the Academy for Curious Squidges,” Roderick shot back at them in a spiteful way, “not Curious Humans.”

  “That’s enough,” Mrs. Nukluk said. “Please sit down, Boone.” Then she turned a stern face to Roderick. “You will share your math book with Boone.”

  Roderick made a disgusted huffing noise while Boone sat down next to him. The desk and chair were made for squidges, who are much larger than Human children. Boone’s head barely peeped over the desk, and his legs dangled off the ground. Roderick looked down at him with a sneer and shifted his chair as far away from Boone as possible.

  Mrs. Nukluk led the class through a review of what they had been learning the past week in math. It was all easy stuff, like how many shucklings were in a snud.

  Boone raised his hand.

  “Yes, Boone?” said Mrs. Nukluk.

  “Wha
t’s a snud?” he asked.

  The whole class turned to stare at him, flabbergasted. Even the smallest squidges knew what a snud was!

  “It’s a unit of measurement,” said Mrs. Nukluk. “It’s about half the size of a stonker.”

  “A what?” asked Boone.

  Hugo frowned. What was Boone’s grandmother teaching him if he didn’t even know what a snud or a stonker were?

  Mrs. Nukluk opened up her desk drawer and took out her measuring stick. It was a straight piece of maple branch with marks burned into it.

  “You see, Boone,” she said patiently, placing one finger about halfway up the stick, “this much is a snud.”

  Boone squinted at the stick for a moment. Then he smiled his big smile. “Ohhh! I get it! A snud is a foot!”

  “Excuse me?” Mrs. Nukluk looked confused.

  “A snud is a foot,” Boone repeated.

  “A snud is a snud,” Mrs. Nukluk said firmly.

  “Which is also a foot,” insisted Boone.

  Now, you and I both know that Boone meant a “foot” in the measuring sort of way, such as “there are twelve inches in a foot.” But Sasquatches don’t know about feet and yards and inches. That’s why Mrs. Nukluk’s face suddenly grew very irritated.

  “A snud is not a foot,” she told Boone sternly. “It’s not a hand nor an earlobe nor a tongue either. And if you are going to be in this classroom, you’ll have to behave and not act so silly.”

  Boone turned bright red. He slumped in his seat while Roderick smirked at him.

  Things had not gotten off to a good start.

  8

  X-treme Creepy Cryptids

  After math, everyone carved little owls out of stumps in woodshop. I know that sounds like fun—and it is—but for Sasquatches, woodworking is very serious business. Sasquatches make nearly everything out of wood, so even the littlest squidges have to learn to do it well.

  Luckily, Boone had already done lots of wood carving. Before long he had carved an owl that was just as nice as any of the squidges’, and Mrs. Nukluk said so, too.

  After woodworking came recess. Everyone bolted out of their chairs to play the Ha-Ha Game or Frog King, which involves a lot of hopping and clapping and kicking, and someone almost always winds up getting hurt, but only just a little.

  Hugo hurried over to Boone, who was sliding off his squidge-sized chair.

  “I brought something to show you,” Boone said, reaching into his back pocket. He pulled out a thick stack of cards with a rubber band around them. The cards had colorful pictures of strange creatures on them.

  “What is that?” Hugo asked as he eagerly watched Boone take off the rubber band.

  “They’re called X-treme Creepy Cryptids cards,” Boone told him.

  Izzy and Malcolm, who were playing Frog King nearby, overheard and ran over to look.

  “What are cryptids?” asked Malcolm.

  “Well, they’re sort of like monsters,” said Boone.

  “Wow! So these are Monster Cards for Humans!” Malcolm said this so loud that it brought the rest of the class over, too. Even Roderick sauntered over, peering at the cards while pretending not to be interested.

  Boone gave each squidge a small stack to look at. On one side there was a colorful picture of a cryptid, and on the other side there was information about it. The monsters on the X-treme Creepy Cryptids cards were different from the monsters on Mad Marvin’s cards. On Boone’s cards there was a chupacabra, and the Jersey Devil, and a Goatman, which had a Human body and the head of a goat with horns. There were mermaids and mermen, and a sewer alligator. There was even a card for an Ogopogo, a creature that Hugo and Boone had once spotted on the Ripple Worm River.

  Hugo was so happy that Boone was making friends, he had to bite his lip to keep from smiling the whole time.

  The squidges read all about the cryptids on the backs of the cards. But Boone also told them extra things about the cryptids that weren’t even on the cards.

  “How do you know all this stuff?” Malcolm asked Boone.

  “Because I’m going to be a cryptozoologist one day,” Boone told him. “So is Hugo. We have to know all about cryptids.”

  “Why? So you can capture them?” asked Malcolm.

  “No, so we can understand them. A cryptozoologist is sort of like a cryptid’s best friend.”

  “Eww, look at this thing!” said Pip, holding up a card showing a huge, creepy-looking beast. Its mouth was open as though it were roaring, showing long, sharp fangs dripping with gooey saliva. Its angry eyes were red and squinty. It was covered with tangled hair, and it held up a club as though it were about to thwack it down on someone’s head.

  “Can I see that?” asked Gigi. Pip handed her the card, and Gigi read from the back:

  Everyone was silent. They were all shocked, even Hugo.

  “But we don’t eat people,” Pip said finally, in a hurt voice. “We don’t eat meat at all.”

  “Unlike Humans,” Roderick grumbled. “Humans will eat just about anything.”

  “And we don’t make grunting noises,” said Malcolm.

  “Of course not!” said Boone quickly. “These are just dumb old cards.”

  “Do Humans really think we’re monsters?” Pip asked Boone.

  “I guess some Humans do—” Boone started to say.

  “Well, that’s just . . . that’s just . . . awful!” Pip said angrily, and she shoved her stack of cards back at Boone and stomped off.

  “I dek bads eber day,” said Izzy before handing back his cards and walking away.

  “What did he say?” asked Boone.

  “He said, ‘I take baths every day,’” Hugo translated.

  The other squidges left, too. Even Gigi quietly slipped away.

  “Wait, guys . . . I don’t think Sasquatches are monsters!” Boone called out to them, but everyone pretended not to hear him.

  Hugo put his arm around Boone’s shoulder.

  “Don’t worry, Boone. They’ll get used to you. Remember, this is the first day a Human has ever gone to our school.”

  And I hope it’s not the last day, too, Hugo couldn’t help thinking.

  9

  Mrs. Nukluk’s Big Surprise

  After recess, Mrs. Nukluk said that it was time for the big surprise. She stepped out of the room to go get it. Pip made a squeak of excitement, while Izzy bounced in his chair. Even Hugo had forgotten to be upset about Boone and was now staring at the door, eagerly waiting for Mrs. Nukluk’s surprise.

  “I bet it’s a trampoline,” said Malcolm.

  “Shhh!” Gigi said. “If she catches us talking she won’t give us the surprise at all.”

  They heard Mrs. Nukluk’s thumping footsteps coming back down the hall. Everyone sat up straight in their chairs. After a minute Mrs. Nukluk walked into the classroom carrying a very large wooden crate. On the front of the crate, it said CAUTION! LIVE CARGO!

  “It’s the crate from the post office!” Hugo cried, before he could stop himself.

  “Shhhh!” all the squidges told him.

  Mrs. Nukluk placed the crate on the floor. She smoothed down the goose feathers on her cloak, then looked at all of them and smiled.

  “Is everyone ready for the surprise?” she asked.

  “YEEESSSS!” they all shouted.

  Mrs. Nukluk squinched up her eyes and stuck her fingers in her ears. But she was still smiling, so it was okay.

  “Well, I thought it was finally time for us to have . . . our . . . very . . . own . . .” She was speaking slowly to stretch out the suspense. Everyone squirmed in their chairs.

  “Let it be a microscope, let it be a microscope,” Hugo heard Gigi saying under her breath.

  “Our very own class pet!” Mrs. Nukluk finished.

  The whole class made a whoop of joy, even Boone. The Academy for Curious Squidges had never had a class pet before. Sometimes a mouse would wander into the classroom, then wander out again, but that was not the same thing.

  “Is
it a camel?” asked Malcolm. But a camel in a cavern was too ridiculous, so no one even answered him.

  Carefully, Mrs. Nukluk removed the top of the wooden crate. All the squidges leaned forward in their seats to try to see inside. Reaching into the crate, Mrs. Nukluk pulled out a large glass aquarium tank. She placed it on top of her desk. Inside the glass tank were wood chips, a wooden hut, some wooden bowls, and what looked like two hairy snowballs with long ears.

  “Ooooo! What are they?” asked Pip.

  “They are called Arctic Floofs,” said Mrs. Nukluk.

  “They look like guinea pigs, except with rabbit ears,” said Boone.

  Which was exactly what they looked like.

  There were all kinds of questions after that, like:

  What do we feed them? (Berries and leaves.)

  Do they bite? (Only if you bite them first.)

  Are the Floofs married? (That was Malcolm’s question, and the answer was a deep breath from Mrs. Nukluk.)

  Hugo had never had a pet before. He always thought it might be nice to have a pet bat. There were plenty of bats in Widdershins Cavern. He thought they were cute, with their little fox-faces, but he knew his mom would never let a bat live in his bedroom.

  Hugo raised his hand.

  “Can I hold one of the Floofs?” he asked.

  And then, of course, the whole class wanted to hold them.

  Mrs. Nukluk scooped one of the Floofs out of the tank. It made a funny little squeaking noise. Carefully, she put it in Hugo’s hands. The Floof was warm, and its fur was silky soft. Hugo felt the Floof’s heartbeat against the palm of his hand. With one finger he gently pet its little head, and the Floof made its squeaking sound again.

  “He likes you,” Gigi said.